[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread

[bill]

A teacher at an infant school is doing a science lesson and asks all the children to perform an experiment of their own choosing. After the children have been busy for a few minutes, she gets to the desk of little Johnny. Johnny has a spider on his desk and she asks what he was doing.

"Well Miss, the spider's name is Herbert and watch this." Jonny then bends down to the spider and whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. The teacher is a little mystified. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes one leg. The teacher is taken aback but lets the experiment continue. Johnny again whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. Johnny then gets ahold of the spider and removes another 2 legs and repeats the experiment. "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider does continue to move across the desk, a bit in a somewhat limp fashion. By this time the teacher is getting a little concerned.

The experiment continues in the same vein until Herbet, the spider, has one leg left (the teacher at this point is totally mortified). Johnny then bends down to the spider and again removes the last leg so that Herbert is now just a blob and again he whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" but Herbert doesn't move. He repeats the command again but a little bit louder. After serveral attemps, Johnny is now shouting at the spider "Run, Herbert, Run" but still no movement. Johnny then looks at the teacher and she asks "Well, Johnny, an interesting experiment, but what are you trying to prove with it?" Johnny replies, "Well, Miss, spiders with no legs are deaf"

[bill]

One day there was this little boy named Johny he had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand and asked the teacher "can I go to the bathroom." she said no.

Then 5 mins later he raised his hand and said "damit I have to piss can I go to the bathroom."She said "no not with that mouth."She said now go to the corner and say your a,b,c's.frontwords and backwords

He went to the corner and said "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z"

Then he said "z,y,x,w,v,u,t,s,r,q,o,n,m,l,k,j,i,h,g,f,e,d,c,b,a"

Then she said "Where is the p."

Lil Johny said "Running down my leg."

[bill]

The teacher is going around the room, saying the names of animals, and the kids have to make the sound that the animal does.

She says cow, and cindy raises her hand and says, moooo. very good cindy.

She says duck, and bobby raises his hand and says, quack quack. very good bobby

She says pig, little johnny raises his hand and says, freeze or i`ll shoot.

[bill]

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

[bill]

Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

[bill]

One day little Johnny Big Balls was playing football in the back yard and he threw the football over the fence.

So Johnny climbed over the fence and the neighbour seen him and Johnny said "Hi I'm Johnny Big Balls whats your name?"

Then he jumped back over the fence.

Annoyed, the neighbour built up his fence.

A month later Johnny was playing soccer and he kicked the ball over the fence then Johnny climbed over the fence and the neighbour seen him and Johnny said "Hi I'm Johnny Big Balls whats your name?"

Then he jumped back over the fence.

Annoyed again the neighbour put barb wire on the fence.

A month later Johnny Big Balls was playing baseball and then he hit the ball over the fence and he jumped over and said "Hi I'm Johnny"

[bill]

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."

The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"

Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."

[bill]

Two guys from Philadelphia die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Philly, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats.

The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Philly, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Philly and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Philadelphia, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 guys from Philadelphia . He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.

The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The 2 look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Eagles won the Super Bowl!"

[bill]

At the Convent, there was one priest in particular that liked to fuck all the new nuns until they screamed to god.

One night he had just got done fucking one of the new nuns when he walked into the kitchen butt naked for a snack.

He had just grabbed two candy bars from a drawer, but as he was about to leave, two of the head nun's walked in.

Not knowing what to do, he spead his legs letting his dick hang and put his hands behind his back.

The nuns walked in and thought that he was the new candy machine they had orderd, so the first nun put a quarter on his tongue and pulled his dick... so he droped one of the candy bars.

The next nun did the same thing, she put a quarter on his tongue and pulled his dick, so he dropped the other candy bar.

They both were delighted but as they walked out, one more nun walked in. The other nuns told her to try the new machine, so she too walked over, put a quarter on his tongue and pulled his dick, but this time nothing happed, so she pulled it again, nothing, so she started pulling it quicker and quicker...

Later the head nuns asked her what kind of candy she had gotten... she replied:

"oh, i didnt get any candy....but i got some nice hand lotion!"

[bill]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made", said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth: "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to two small land masses and said: "What's that one?" "

Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed: "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

To which God replied: "Wait until you see people I'm putting next to them in Australia."

[bill]

A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America.

She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?"

The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya"

And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum"

The guy says: "In that case follow me"

So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!"

So she picks up his dick, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"

[bill]

One night after work a group of male friends go to a bar for a few drinks before heading home.

After a while one of the group keeps seeing a leprachaun running up to his beer & blowing into it making a funny noise with his lips.

At first he thinks he must be drunk & just seeing things so he waited for it to happen again.

Sure enough after a couple of minutes the leprachaun runs out & blows into his glass of beer making a funny noise with his lips.

He looks around at his friends but none of them seemed to have seen it.

Again he waits to be sure he is not just seeing things & again it happens.

By now he is very angry & confused & asks his friends if any of them saw him. They say no they didn't.

He says, next time he does it i'm gonna catch him and chop off his dick.

After another couple of minutes the leprechaun runs out & is just about to blow in his cup when the guy catches him & says YES I GOT YOU!!! NOW I'M GOING TO CHOP OFF YOUR DICK!!!

The Leprachaun just starts laughing.

The guy says, mate what the hell are you laughing for, a guys about to chop off your dick.

The leprachaun replies well because I dont have a dick.

The man sits holding this leprachaun puzzled before asking well how do you piss?

The Leprechaun then runs up to the glass of beer & blows into it making a funny noise with his lips.

LIKE THIS!!!

[bill]

It was the first day of a new school year.

Three boys arrive at class late and the teacher asks the first boy "Why are you tardy," the boy replies "I've been on Blueberry Hill" the teacher said "Take your seat."

She asks the next boy why he was late. "I was on Blueberry Hill also" he replied.

Then she asked the third boy, but he replied with the same answer.

As the boys we're sitting down a girl arrives in.

"Let me guess", said the teacher. "You where on Bluberry Hill aslo"

"NO.... I am Blueberry Hill" replied the girl.

[bill]

Three guys die and go to hell.

When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"

[bill]

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gypsy and told her her problem.

The gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"