[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread

[bill]

(Q) What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

(A) One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

[bill]

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Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.

Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."

A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."

"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.

A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."

Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so."

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.

He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.

He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."

She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.

A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment.

He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."

Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"

[bill]

(Q) What do the Mafia, and vaginas while doing cunnilingus, both have in common?

(A) One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

[bill]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[bill]

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: Can I eat sugar instead?

Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.

[bill]

One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed.

5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.

So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.

So the two blonde's decide to go.

In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard"

So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.

So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.

The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard."

The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that"

"What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long".

To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"

[bill]

(Q) What did the banana say to the vibrator?

(A) Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

[bill]

(Q) How is a husband like a laxative?

(A) They both irritate the shit out of you.

[bill]

(Q) What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?

(A) The man.

[bill]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

[bill]

A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.

He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.

They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."

[bill]

(Q) Why do vegetarians give good head?

(A) Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

[bill]

It was the night before christmas,

When all through the house,

Not a creature was stiring,

Not even a mouse,

With mom at the whore house,

And dad smoking grass,

I just settled down,

For a nice peace of ass,

When out on the lawn,

I heard such a clatter,

I sprung to my feet,

To see whats the matter,

When out on the lawn,

I saw a big dick,

I knew for a moment,

It must be saint nick,

He came down the chimney,

Like a bat out of hell,

I knew for a moment the fat fucker had fell,

He filled all our stockings,

With pretzels and beer,

And a big rubber dick,

For my brother the queer,

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,

The son of a bitch blew my chimney apart,

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,

And said piss on you all,

And have a hell of a good night.

[bill]

(Q) What’s long and hard and full of semen?

(A) A submarine.

[bill]

(Q) What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

(A) After five years, your job will still suck.