[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread

[Sammy]

Why does Santa always come through the chimney?

Because he knows better than to try the back door.

well santa calls it a chimney?

lmao

[blingman]

Why do you need a jeweler on New Year’s Eve? To ring in the new year.

[AlexO]

One for Friday December 9th



Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

Because the snowblower was coming back down the street.

[koster]

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.

[BrasSmonkey]

1. What do snowmen use to make snow babies?

Snowballs.

2. What do a train set and your wife’s breasts have in common?

They were both made for kids but you can’t help playing with them.

3. How does Santa practice safe sex?

He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.

4. What do three ho’s get you?

One very jolly Santa.

5. Why does Santa always come through the chimney?

Because he knows better than to try the back door.

6. How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?

You do a bunch of work and some guy in a suit gets all the credit.

7. Why do elves laugh when they run?

Because the snow tickles their balls.

8. Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?

He only comes once a year.

9. What does The Grinch do with a baseball bat?

Hits a gnome and runs.

10. What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle.

11. What’s the most disappointing thing for a lover on Christmas morning?

When they get a sweater, but they’re hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

12. Why did the Snowman want a divorce?

Because his wife was a total flake.

13. Why did the Grinch hit up the liquor store?

He was desperate for some holiday spirit.

14. One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”

Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, please send me your mother.”

15. What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?

“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”

16. What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?

Whatever the hell you want. He can’t hear you.

17. I love this time of year.

You can slam your laptop shut when your partner walks into the room and you don’t get any disgusted looks.

18. Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…

Can I visit between the holidays?

19. Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?

Cause she’s married to a guy who comes once a year.

20. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.


21. As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”

I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”

22. Why are Christmas trees better than men?

Even the small ones give satisfaction.

23. Why does Santa always land on your roof?

Because he likes it on top.

24. Why is Santa so damn jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty women live.

25. Why was the snowman smiling?

He could see the snowblower coming down the street.

26. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?

He was obsessed with getting the cookie.

27. You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket…

I’m just THAT happy to see you.

28. Is your name Jingle Bells?

Cause you look ready to go all the way.

29. Are you Christmas? ‘Cause I wanna merry you!

Are you Hall? Cause I wanna deck the Hall.

30. What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?

Snowballs.

31. Wanna see the North Pole?

That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…

32. What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate clauses.

33. What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?

A mistletoe.

34. Why does Santa always have a full sack?

Because he only comes once a year!

35. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?

They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.

[TheButcher]

#35 was funny

[snooper]

What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?

They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.

[Gustav007]

Why did the husband get his wife the same thing every year for Christmas, a dildo and a pair of slippers?

If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

[BrasSmonkey]

What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?

They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.

#35 LOL jeez

[masterman]

[TheButcher]

He reminds me of the late Benny Hill

[Ricks-Cams]

Happy Holidays!!!
when is a door not a door?


when it's ajar

When is a jar not a jar?

[BrasSmonkey]

Happy Holidays!!!
when is a door not a door?


when it's ajar

When is a jar not a jar?

when you break it!

[TheButcher]

Happy Holidays!!!
when is a door not a door?


when it's ajar

When is a jar not a jar?

when you break it!

LOL that makes sense brotha

[koster]

This place needs some fun back it's gotten too serious, post a joke will ya.

Here is a wife joke for Tuesday.


I invited my wife to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.