[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
.
There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight-of-hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:
“IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE!” or
“IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET!” or
“IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH!”
The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, “OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?”
There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight-of-hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:
“IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE!” or
“IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET!” or
“IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH!”
The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, “OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?”
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
.
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
.
(Q) What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
(A) Beef strokin’ off.
(Q) What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
(A) Beef strokin’ off.
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
.
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *Walks away*
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *Walks away*
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
.
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady attendant says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady attendant says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
.
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone.
“Hey babe, I’m just changing clothes then I will join you,” he said. “As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!”
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary and bleary eyes, she read:
I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread.”
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone.
“Hey babe, I’m just changing clothes then I will join you,” he said. “As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!”
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary and bleary eyes, she read:
I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread.”
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
.
Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket one day. When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.
“Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?” The other woman laughed.
“No,” the woman answered “But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.
So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about. “
Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket one day. When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.
“Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?” The other woman laughed.
“No,” the woman answered “But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.
So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about. “
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
.
A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first doorbell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can’t believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. He paused for a moment, then said, “Why, hello dear…”
A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first doorbell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can’t believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. He paused for a moment, then said, “Why, hello dear…”
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
.
(Q) What did the O say to the Q?
(A) Dude, your dick is hanging out.
(Q) What did the O say to the Q?
(A) Dude, your dick is hanging out.
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
.
Your momma's so dumb she thought the computer screen saver was TV
Your momma's so dumb that when she jumped out of a window she went up
Your momma's so dumb she got hit by a parked car
Your momma's so dumb she heard someone say it was chilli outside so she ran and grabbed a bowl
Your momma's so dumb she thought a telephone was a phone for the T.V
Your momma's so dumb she thinks a quarterback is a refund
Your momma's so dumb she tried to kill herself by jumping out of the basement window
Your momma's so dumb the computer said press any key to continue and she was looking for the any key
Your momma's so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
Your momma's so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice
Your momma's so dumb she stayed up all night studying for her blood test
Your momma's so dumb I caught her staring at a piece of paper. She sait it was Pay-Per View
Your momma's so dumb when your dad suggested doggy style she went out the back and started to lick her balls
Your momma's so dumb she thought the computer screen saver was TV
Your momma's so dumb that when she jumped out of a window she went up
Your momma's so dumb she got hit by a parked car
Your momma's so dumb she heard someone say it was chilli outside so she ran and grabbed a bowl
Your momma's so dumb she thought a telephone was a phone for the T.V
Your momma's so dumb she thinks a quarterback is a refund
Your momma's so dumb she tried to kill herself by jumping out of the basement window
Your momma's so dumb the computer said press any key to continue and she was looking for the any key
Your momma's so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
Your momma's so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice
Your momma's so dumb she stayed up all night studying for her blood test
Your momma's so dumb I caught her staring at a piece of paper. She sait it was Pay-Per View
Your momma's so dumb when your dad suggested doggy style she went out the back and started to lick her balls
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
bill wrote: ↑April 9th, 2018, 7:56 pm.
Your momma's so dumb she thought the computer screen saver was TV
Your momma's so dumb that when she jumped out of a window she went up
Your momma's so dumb she got hit by a parked car
Your momma's so dumb she heard someone say it was chilli outside so she ran and grabbed a bowl
Your momma's so dumb she thought a telephone was a phone for the T.V
Your momma's so dumb she thinks a quarterback is a refund
Your momma's so dumb she tried to kill herself by jumping out of the basement window
Your momma's so dumb the computer said press any key to continue and she was looking for the any key
Your momma's so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
Your momma's so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice
Your momma's so dumb she stayed up all night studying for her blood test
Your momma's so dumb I caught her staring at a piece of paper. She said it was Pay-Per View
Your momma's so dumb when your dad suggested doggy style she went out the back and started to lick his balls
-
bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
.
A Guy urgently needed a few days off work, but, he knew the Boss would not allow him to leave, so he thought that maybe if he acted "Crazy", then the boss would tell him to take a few days off.
So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling & made funny noises.
His co-worker (who's blonde)! asked him what he was doing.
He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think he was "Crazy" & give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"
He told him he was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home & recuperate for a couple of days."
He jumped down & walked out of the office...
When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him,
The Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?!"
She said,
"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!
A Guy urgently needed a few days off work, but, he knew the Boss would not allow him to leave, so he thought that maybe if he acted "Crazy", then the boss would tell him to take a few days off.
So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling & made funny noises.
His co-worker (who's blonde)! asked him what he was doing.
He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think he was "Crazy" & give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"
He told him he was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home & recuperate for a couple of days."
He jumped down & walked out of the office...
When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him,
The Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?!"
She said,
"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!
[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread
Copyright © 2004-2026 Sponsorchat.com, All rights reserved