[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread

[bill]

A guy is in the bathroom taking a piss when this huge man walks in and starts pissing in the urinal next to him.

The guy just happens to look over and see the other guys dick is huge.

Then he walks over and says, "Hey man i'm not gay or anything but what is your name? Because you have the biggest dick I have ever seen!"

The big guy says, "Well thanks man. My name is Ben Rover."

Then the guy passes out.

When he wakes up he says "Whats your name again"

"Well it's Ben Rover" The big guy says!

Oh what a releif i thought you said bend over.

[bill]

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Yo mama's so old her social security number is 1!

Yo mama's so old she flicked the switch when god said let there be light!

Yo mama's so old that when she was in school there was no history class!

Yo mama's so old she's in Jesus's yearbook!

Yo mama's so old her birth certificate says expired on it!

Yo mama's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince!

Yo mama's so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper!

Yo mama's so old she ran track with dinosaurs!

Yo mama's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals!

Yo mama's so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook!

Yo mama's so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade!

Yo mama's so stupid when she saw the under 17 not admitted sign, she went home and got 16 friends!

Yo mama's so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!

Yo mama's so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama's so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo mama's so stupid that she sold the car for gas money!

Yo mama's so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911?"!

Yo mama's so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!

Yo mama's so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."!

Yo mama's so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out!

[bill]

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(Q) What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

(A) One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

[bill]

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Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."

The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.

The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."

But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.

"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.

"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

[bill]

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(Q) What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?


(A) Fucking hot!

[bill]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[bill]

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(Q) How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?



(A) Call and tell her about it.

[bill]

Kissing's a pleasure

Fucking's a game

Guys get all the pleasure

Girls get all the pain

He says he loves you, and you believe it's true

Until your belly starts to swell and he says hell with you.

10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months and pain

3 days in hospital, a child without a name

The baby's a bastard

The mother's a whore

This never would have happened if the rubber hadn't tore

[bill]

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says,

"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

[bill]

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(Q) What’s the difference between your erect penis and a bonus check?




(A) Your boifriend is always willing to blow your bonus.



.

[bill]

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There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

[bill]

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(Q) How is life like a penis?



(A) Your boifriend makes it hard.

[bill]

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(Q) What do you call bears with no ears?




(A) B's!

[bill]

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My co-workers are like my Christmas lights…

Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.

[bill]

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During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't).

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"