A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread
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bill
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bill
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- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
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bill
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.
(Q) What do you call it when prisoners take their own mug shots?
(A) Cell-fies
(Q) What do you call it when prisoners take their own mug shots?
(A) Cell-fies
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bill
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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."
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bill
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Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."
So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.
When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"
St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."
Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"
St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."
Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"
St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."
So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.
When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"
St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."
Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"
St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."
Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"
St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."
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bill
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A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."
Not to worry," said the dad.."the important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great,Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary!I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."
Not to worry," said the dad.."the important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great,Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary!I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
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bill
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Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
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bill
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- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
Little Larry says: 'I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.'
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson 'And how about you, Sarah?'
'I wanna be Larry's whore.'
Little Larry says: 'I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.'
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson 'And how about you, Sarah?'
'I wanna be Larry's whore.'
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bill
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Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here;
have you got the money or should I go out and play?
Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.
Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!
Daddy, Daddy! What is queer?
Shut up and unhook my bra.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, mommy, I hate you
Shut up or I'll eat you.
Mummy, mummy, please can I have a spoon?
Yes of course dear. Why do you want the spoon?
Because Daddy's been sick, and the cat's getting all the big bites
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy Mommy, is this really the way to make meat pies?
Shut up and get back in the microwave.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mummy, Mummy! I don't like grandma.
Well leave her on the side of your plate then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis!
Shut up, and keep eating!
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup!
Shut up. Do you think I pour Grandpa's vomit through a sieve?
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like this spaghetti!
Shutup or I'll rip the veins outta yer other arm!!!
Mommy, mommy! Daddy threw up all over the kitchen floor.
Just ignore him, son.
But little sis is getting all of the BIG pieces!
Mommy, Mommy! are you sure this is the right way to cook Beijing Duck?
Shuddup and close the microwave oven door behind you!
Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.
Mommy, Mommy! what's a vampire?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
Mommy, mommy, are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!
Mommy, mommy, Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up and get the maple syrup.
Mommy, mommy, dad's been run over in the street!!
Don't make me laugh; you know my lips are chapped.
Mommy, mommy, what is a deliquant child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, mommy, what is a deliquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.
Mommy, Mommy, I don't know how to play poker.
Shaddup and deal.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mummy, Mummy, Sally won't come skipping with me.
Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.
Mommy, Mommy, I don't like running in circles!
Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do they call me spastic at school?
Shut up and take your legs out your pockets.
Mommy, Mommy, why is my head soaking wet and everything is spinning round and round?
Shut up or I'll flush again!
Mommy, Mommy! Am I done with my bath yet?
Shut up or I'll flush you down!
Mommy mommy ! When is the pool going to be ready ?
Shut up and spit ...
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.
Mommy, Mommy I don't want my hair braided.
Shut up and lift the other arm.
Mommy, mommy, can I have a cookie?
Yes, the cookies are on the top shelf.
But mommy, I haven't got any arms!
No arms, no cookie...
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy I don't want to go to China!
Shut up and put your other foot in the CARE package!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?
Yes Johnny I'll take you in a minute.
Can Granny take me?
Why?
Her hand shakes.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy, I'd like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glasseye today!
Mommy, Mommy, can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..
Shut up Albert....
Mommy, mommy, why is your hair so green?
[Sneezes into hand] Sure don't know, son. [wipes hand on hair]
Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! How come sis gets to watch TV and I don't?
Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we celebrating Christmas in July?
Shut up, you know you have cancer.
Mommy, Mommy! I can't breathe!
Good, it's working.
Mommy, Mommy! What am I gonna be when I grow up?
Nothing, dear. You have AIDS!
Mommy, Mommy! can I have a bike for Christmas?
Nope. You already have your wheelchair.
Mommy, mommy! I don't see what's so hot about watching tv!
Shut up and turn the damn thing on!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy just poisoned my kitten!
Never mind dear. Perhaps he had to do it.
No he didn't, he promised me I could!
Mommy, Mommy! Can Sheldon come out and play baseball with us?
Now you know your little brother has no arms and legs!
Yeah, we know. We just wanna use him for second base.
Mommy, Mommy! Why is my hair so slimey?
Shut up, you little snot.
Q: What did the little boy say when his mother scolded him for cutting his Christmas present (a spotted hamster) neatly in two pieces with a cleaver?
A:But mommy, you said that if I was good, I could have (halve) him."
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here;
have you got the money or should I go out and play?
Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.
Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!
Daddy, Daddy! What is queer?
Shut up and unhook my bra.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, mommy, I hate you
Shut up or I'll eat you.
Mummy, mummy, please can I have a spoon?
Yes of course dear. Why do you want the spoon?
Because Daddy's been sick, and the cat's getting all the big bites
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy Mommy, is this really the way to make meat pies?
Shut up and get back in the microwave.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mummy, Mummy! I don't like grandma.
Well leave her on the side of your plate then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis!
Shut up, and keep eating!
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup!
Shut up. Do you think I pour Grandpa's vomit through a sieve?
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like this spaghetti!
Shutup or I'll rip the veins outta yer other arm!!!
Mommy, mommy! Daddy threw up all over the kitchen floor.
Just ignore him, son.
But little sis is getting all of the BIG pieces!
Mommy, Mommy! are you sure this is the right way to cook Beijing Duck?
Shuddup and close the microwave oven door behind you!
Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.
Mommy, Mommy! what's a vampire?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
Mommy, mommy, are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!
Mommy, mommy, Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up and get the maple syrup.
Mommy, mommy, dad's been run over in the street!!
Don't make me laugh; you know my lips are chapped.
Mommy, mommy, what is a deliquant child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, mommy, what is a deliquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.
Mommy, Mommy, I don't know how to play poker.
Shaddup and deal.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mummy, Mummy, Sally won't come skipping with me.
Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.
Mommy, Mommy, I don't like running in circles!
Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do they call me spastic at school?
Shut up and take your legs out your pockets.
Mommy, Mommy, why is my head soaking wet and everything is spinning round and round?
Shut up or I'll flush again!
Mommy, Mommy! Am I done with my bath yet?
Shut up or I'll flush you down!
Mommy mommy ! When is the pool going to be ready ?
Shut up and spit ...
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.
Mommy, Mommy I don't want my hair braided.
Shut up and lift the other arm.
Mommy, mommy, can I have a cookie?
Yes, the cookies are on the top shelf.
But mommy, I haven't got any arms!
No arms, no cookie...
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy I don't want to go to China!
Shut up and put your other foot in the CARE package!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?
Yes Johnny I'll take you in a minute.
Can Granny take me?
Why?
Her hand shakes.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy, I'd like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glasseye today!
Mommy, Mommy, can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..
Shut up Albert....
Mommy, mommy, why is your hair so green?
[Sneezes into hand] Sure don't know, son. [wipes hand on hair]
Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! How come sis gets to watch TV and I don't?
Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we celebrating Christmas in July?
Shut up, you know you have cancer.
Mommy, Mommy! I can't breathe!
Good, it's working.
Mommy, Mommy! What am I gonna be when I grow up?
Nothing, dear. You have AIDS!
Mommy, Mommy! can I have a bike for Christmas?
Nope. You already have your wheelchair.
Mommy, mommy! I don't see what's so hot about watching tv!
Shut up and turn the damn thing on!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy just poisoned my kitten!
Never mind dear. Perhaps he had to do it.
No he didn't, he promised me I could!
Mommy, Mommy! Can Sheldon come out and play baseball with us?
Now you know your little brother has no arms and legs!
Yeah, we know. We just wanna use him for second base.
Mommy, Mommy! Why is my hair so slimey?
Shut up, you little snot.
Q: What did the little boy say when his mother scolded him for cutting his Christmas present (a spotted hamster) neatly in two pieces with a cleaver?
A:But mommy, you said that if I was good, I could have (halve) him."
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bill
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- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
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bill
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- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
Last night I dreamed of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
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bill
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- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
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bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
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bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 25, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 150.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 25, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 150.
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bill
- Verified Member
- Posts: 8259
- Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.... She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...
Every night,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.... She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...
[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread
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