[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread

[bill]

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[bill]

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A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."

[bill]

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After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You'll know tonight.” he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…

“The Meaning of Dreams”

[bill]

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Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?


A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

[bill]

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Not all math puns are bad.

Just sum.

[bill]

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said: “My mom’s a streetwalker.”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”

Johnny said “Yes”

“Well, what did the principal say?”

“He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number.”

[bill]

A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…”how long before I can get a haircut?”

Again, the barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours.” The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”

“To your house!”

[bill]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. “Oh, come on in!” Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

“Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?” “Iced tea, please,” Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

“So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?” she asked.

“Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…”

“Peggy likes to screw, you know,” Mom informed him.

“Uh…really?” Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. “Oh, yes!” the mother continued.

“When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!” “Is that so?” asked Fred, incredulous.

“Yes,” said the mother. “As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!”

“Well, thanks for the tip,” Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

“Have fun, kids,” the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

“The Twist, Mom!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “That damned dance is called the Twist!”

[bill]

"I'm going fishing." Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break honey, you are working too hard." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Means: "Are you still talking?"

"You know how bad my memory is." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I can't find it." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[bill]

Things to Do When You're Bored

1. Wax the ceiling.
2. Be in the wrong place at the right time.
5. Rearrange political campaign signs.
6. Sharpen your teeth.
7. Clean and polish your belly button.
8. Knight yourself and some close friends.
9. Scare Steven King.
10. Mow your carpet.
11. Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group?surprise your grandmother.
12. Paint your home...day-glo orange.
13. Read Homer in the original Greek.
14. Change your mind.
15. Change it back.
16. Watch the sun...see if it moves.
17. Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.
18. Paint your windows.
19. Paint.
20. Smile.
21. Paint a smile.
22. Shoot at a fire hydrant.
23. Apologize to it.
24. See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
25. Rotate your garden...daily.
26. Plant a shoe.
27. Take apart all your major kitchen appliances.
28. Mix and match the parts.
29. Turn your TV picture tube upside down.
30. Take your sofa for a walk.
31. Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
32. Form a political party.
33. Throw a political party.
34. Annoy yourself.
35. Get angry with yourself.
36. Stop speaking to yourself.
37. Kiss and make-up.
38. Stand on your head.
39. Stand on someone else's head.
40. Be someone special.
41. Bury your fathers Nissan.
42. Tell him the dog did it.
43. Catch a falling star.
44. Throw it back.
45. Place your cat in hyper-space.
46. Again tell your dad the dog did it.

[bill]

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.

He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

[bill]

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes,lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign......

It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico

[bill]

Business One-liners:


Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Entropy has us outnumbered.

Error is often more earnest than truth.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it.

Even paranoids have enemies.

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

[bill]

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

[bill]

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!"

She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!

He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great".

Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible."

The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!"