[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread

[bill]

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

[bill]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

[bill]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

[bill]

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

[bill]

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."

The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.

The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."

But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.

"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.

"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

[bill]

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

[bill]

One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
"If there were five birds on the tree and you shoot two birds with your gun then how many would be left?"

"None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.

"That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be three left, but I like the way you think."

Then little Johnny asks the teacher,
"If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one bitting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"

"The one sucking on the cone," guessed the teacher.

"That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married, but I like the way you think."

[bill]

One day little Johnny's neighbor was washing dishes and saw little Johnny out the window sitting on the steps.

She saw him eat a jelly bean, bite the cats tail and move down a step.

She continued to watch him and he did it again (eat a jelly bean, bite the cat's tail and move down a step).

When curiosity got the best of her, she went across the street and asked little Johnny what he was doing.

He said "I'm playing truck driver".

She asked him "Well Johnny what does that mean?"

He said "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and moving on!"

[bill]

One day Johnny's mom was teaching him how to use the bathroom in six simple steps...

1. Pull pants down
2. Pull penis out
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin foreward
6. Pull pants up

A week later, Johnny's mom was passing the bathroom when she heard him inside repeating the steps to himself, 3,5,3,5,3,5,3,5....

[bill]

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

[bill]

One day a lady from the church had come over and had given a gift for all the wonderful sermons that her husband has given.

Mrs. Johnson had said, "Thank you very much but what is it?"

The lady said, "It is a Damn ham."

Mrs. Johnson looked shocked and said, "Don't speak that way to me, don't you know that I am the preachers wife!"

The lady said, "Yes, yes I know, but that is the brand name of the ham!"

Mrs. Johnson said, "ooh I see well thank you" and the lady left.

Later that night when Mrs. Johnson was cooking dinner the preacher came into the kitchen and said, "Mmmm! That smells really good! What is it?"

Mrs. Johnson said," Well thats your dinner tonight, some Damn Ham"

The preacher was shocked and said, "Don't speak to me that way! Don't you know who I am?"

Mrs. Johnson said, "Yes, yes! I know who you are! It is just the brand name!"

The preacher said, "Oh! I see! Well it smells great!"

That night when dinner was ready she had set it out on the table. The corn, mashed potatoes, rolls, and ham!

When the family sat down they said their prayers and began to eat. The preacher said to his wife, "Could you please pass me some of that Damn ham?"

The wife said "sure".

Then little Johnny said, "Alright dad! While you're at it can you pass me the fucking mashed potatoes!"

[bill]

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.

Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.

Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.

Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.

He said, "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."

[bill]

Little Mike, Jonny's cousin is worse than Jonny ever could be.

One day before Christmas little Mike was talking to his father. "You be good this year and not cuss so much, and maybe santa will bring you something really nice!" Little Mike's dad said with a smile. "If not you won't get anything nice"

"I already know what I want for Christmas dad! When I wake up on Christmas morning I want to wake up and see a new fucking BB gun at the foot of my fucking bed!" little Mike said.

Little Mike's dad rolls his eyes.

"Then I want to go down stairs and see a fucking toy train going around the fucking Christmas tree!"

"Oh yeah?" His dad says.

"Yeah then I'll go out side and I want a fucking new bike leaning up against the fucking garage!"

"I wouldn't count on it young man, not after how you just talked."

When Christmas morning comes Mike wakes up. Laying at the foot of his bed is a steaming pile of dog shit! So he goes down stairs. Around the Christmas tree is a neatly arranged ring of dog shit. Then he goes outside and there by the garage is, you guessed it another pile of Dog Shit!

"DAMN!" Little Mike says, starting to cry.

"Well son did you learn a lesson?" Mikes dad asks.

"I don't know dad, I think I got a new puppy but I can't fucking find it!"

[bill]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[bill]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".