[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread

[bill]

A Kung Fu student asks his master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mighty over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this nonsense instead of training."

[bill]

.

(Q) Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

(A) They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

[TheButcher]

.

(Q) Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

(A) They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

LOL who doesn't

[bill]

(Q) What's a pirate's favorite letter?


(A) You would think it be R, but it's the C they love.

[bill]

(Q) What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?



(A) Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

[bill]

.

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just shit my pants!!!"

[bill]

.

Three pregnant ladys are chatting about their pregnancies.

The black-haired says "Well, I do know by now, what I will get in a few months."

"Did you see the photo?" the other two asks her.

"No, but I know, it will be a boy ... because I'm sittin' on my hubby during havin' sex!"

The red-haired girl adds: "Yes, if that will be true ... I will get a girl, because during sex, I lie under my hubby all night long!"

Ohhh then, the blonde put her fingers nervous through her hair and she cries "Damn shit ... so I will get a little doggie ...!!!"

[bill]

.
A woman goes into labor and rushes to the hospital.

Her husband is by her side in the ward.

She is screaming in pain and she pushes and pushes.

The doctor tells the husband that there is a new technology where they can transfer the labor pains to the husband.

Seeing his wife in pain the husband agrees to give it a try and they'll share the pain.

He doesn't feel any pain so he asks the doctor to increase to the max.

Again, he feels nothing and the doctor is amazed.

The baby is born and is healthy as can be.

The couple leave the hospital and head home and........





They find the milkman dead on the doorstep.

[bill]

.

One day there was this fly sitting on the water, but what the fly didn't know was that there was this bass watching him.

The bass thought "hmm... if that fly drops 6 inches I'm gonna get that fly".

Well what the bass didn't know was that there was this bear on shore... and the bear thought "Hmm... if that fly drops 6 inches that bass gonna get that fly and I'm gonna get that bass."

Well what the bear didn't know was that there was this hunter behind him who thought "Hmm... if that fly drops 6 inches, that bass gonna get that fly, that bear gonna get that bass, and I'm gonna get that bear."

Well what the hunter didn't know was that there was this huge man-eating rat behind him. The rat thought "Hmm... that fly drops 6 inches, that bass gonna get that fly, that bear gonna get that bass, that hunter gonna get that bear, and I'm gonna get that hunter."

Well, what the rat didn't know was that there was this cat behind him who thought "hmm... that fly drops 6 inches, that bass gonna get that fly, that bear gonna get that bass, that hunter gonna get that bear, that rat gonna get that hunter, and I'm gonna get that rat."

Well, just about that time... the fly dropped 6 inches... the bass got the fly, the bear got the bass, the hunter got the bear, the rat got the hunter, and the cat got that rat and rolled into the water.

What is the moral of this story.........



...The fly drops 6 inches the pussy gets wet.

[bill]

.

(Q) What’s the difference between anal sex and oral sex?


(A) Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

[bill]

.

It’s an old joke in the transgender community that goes like this:



(Q) What’s the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?


(A) Two years

[bill]

.

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.

Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.

Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.

Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.

He said, "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."

[bill]

.

(Q) What did the penis say to the vagina?


(A) Don’t make me come in there!

[bill]

.

(Q) What’s another name for a vagina?



(A) The box a penis comes in.

[bill]

.

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."