[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread

[bill]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

[bill]

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday

"I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....,"

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on my land!! No questions asked or answers given!! I have made my self clear?....Do you understand?!!!"

I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores.

A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull..... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get stuffed before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.... "Your badge, show him your badge!!!"

[bill]

My friends laughed at me when I told them I have a girlfriend. They said she was like the square root of -100, a solid 10 but imaginary.

Well, joke is on them. They are also imaginary.

[bill]

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

[bill]

A janitor is cleaning the church, when suddenly the priest runs out if the confession booth.

He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because he had run to the bathroom.

Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything about confessions.

The priest hands him a sheet of paper and tells him to find the sin on the list and it will tell you how many Hail Mary's to give.

So the janotir goes in and then a lady goes in for her confession.

She says,"I'm cheating on my husband." The janitor thinks, says it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be two Hail Mary's

The lady says, "That's not all, I also slept with him." The janitor thinks again, says it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be two more Hail Mary's.

Then she says, "I also gave him a blowjob." The janitor looks on the paper and can't find the word "blowjob".

He gets nervous and runs out of the booth looking for help. He finally reaches a little alter boy and asks him, "What does the priest usually give for a blowjob?" The little alter boy looks at him and says, "Two candy's"

[bill]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

[bill]

One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.

So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

The guy went back to the doctor and said "The cream you gave me didn't work"!

So the doctor gave him a different cream and said "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

So the next day the guy cam back and said "This stuff you gave doesn't work either".

So the doctor gave him some more cream and said "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow".

The next day the guy came back and said "The cream you gave me worked what was it?"

So the doc. said "Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover".

[bill]

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special

My Love for you is like diarrahia ... I can't hold it in

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulups together

You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles

I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole

Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks

[bill]

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."

[bill]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

[bill]

Little Johny GoDeeper entered his 2nd grade glass room and was confronted with the hottest woman he had ever seen.

After the rest of the class came in, she introduced herself as Miss Lily, and she was going to be subsituting that day.

After school he stayed behind to talk to her.

"Miss Lily, will you take off you're clothes?" he asked

"No." she replied.

"If you don't I'll tell my sister, my sister will tell my brother, my brother will tell my mom, my mom will tell my dad and he'll tell the principal and you'll get fired."

"Alright."

Miss Lily took off her clothes.

"Miss Lily, will you lay on the desk?" asked Johny.

"No."

"If you dont I'll tell my sister, she'll tell my brother, he'll tell my mom, she'll tell my dad, he'll tell the principal and you'll get fired."

"Ok."

She layed on the desk.

"Miss Lily, can I have sex with you?" he asked.

"No."

"If you dont let me I'll tell my sister, she'll tell my brother, he'll tell my mom, she'll tell my dad, he'll tell the principal and you'll get fired."

"Ok."

So Little Johny started to have sex with her. Then the principal walked in.

"JOHNY GODEEPER!!" he screamed.

Then his dad walked in.

"JOHNY GODEEPER!!" he yelled.

Then his mom walked in.

"Johny GoDeeper!!" she yelled.

Then his brother walked in.

"Johny GoDeeper, duuude!" he said amazed.

Then his sister walked in.

"Johny GoDepper." she said disgusted.

"I can't. I'm stuck." said Little Johny GoDeeper.

[bill]

This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.

His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.

"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.

To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...

"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.

Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.

"You didn't!" she hoped.

He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."

Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"

"No no really," answers the man.

Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"

He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"

[bill]

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger penises than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[bill]

Yo mama is so fat the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Crage is the door

Yo momma is so fat last time she seen 90210 is on the scale

Your mommas like a brick she is flat on both sides and gets laid by Mexicans.

Your momma is so big when God said let there be light, he asked her to move.

Your mom is so fat, when she walks out of the candy store with a red turtle neck on people start yellin "Kool Aid".

Your mama so fat she uses the ocean as a bath tub

Your mama's so fat when she walked by a construction site they used her as a wrecking ball.

Your mama so fat when she sat on the toilet she said A B C D E F G get your fat ass of of me.

Yo Momma Soooooooo Fat...... A Car Crashed Into Her And She Said, "Who Threw That Rock?!"

Yo mamma so fat that I told her we won the Super Bowl So she walked outside with a spoon.

Yo mamas so fat I get lost around here

Your mamma is so fat I shot the bitch and lard came out.

Your momma is so fat she got in a monster truck and made it a lowrider!

Your momma so fat she tried to take a bath but the water jumped out!

Your momma is so fat that she went to the bathroom and the toilet got the shit scared out of it

Yo mamma so fat when she missed the school bus she yelled "some one catch my twinky"!

Yo momma is so fat that your dad and her were in bed and tried to kiss he'd have to slap her belly and ride the third wave up!

You'r mama's so fat, when she sit's around the house,"she sit's AROUND THE HOUSE"!!

[bill]

Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Trump.

But I guess it's not fair to compare apples and oranges.