[CHUCKLES] Jokes thread

[bill]

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.

He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 duaghters."

The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig."

The second man said ,"I slept like a cow."

The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

[bill]

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"

So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

[bill]

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

[bill]

3 Dustbin Men, the driver and two other men, are going on their rounds asking for Christmas bonuses which they do yearly.

They stop at the first house and one man runs in and a women gives him £5. They move on to another house and a bloke gives him £6.

They pull up to the next house and the man runs in knocks on the door and a women answers and says "oh yes..come upstairs with me"..without reply he goes up and she gives him a good shagging! Once they are finished she says now go and get your mate and tell him to come in for his 'bonus'. He goes out, tells his mate "go in get your bonus, she'll show you a bloody good time, one hell of a bonus!" He goes in, she shows him upstairs and true to her word he gets a good fuck.

When their finished she says "go and get your driver and send him in for his bonus", off he goes and says to the driver- "driver its your turn now, go on my son its one hell of a christmas bonus" so of he goes. He steps in the door very excited and instead of taking him upstairs she takes reaches for her purse and pulls out £5 and gives it to him. He says "what the hell is this, you give my two friends the time of their life and you give me this?!"

She turns round and explains "I had strict instructions from my husband, he said 'give a fiver (£5) to the driver and fuck the other two!!!'"

[bill]

Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FUCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"

Billy shakes his head as YES.

Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

Billy shakes his head YES.

He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

When he gets there he askes this guy...

"Could you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it"

[bill]

A blonde walks in the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream cone.

The clerk tells her that he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.

The blonde then orders a pint of chocolate ice cream.

The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, just vanilla and strawberry.

The blonde then orders a quart of chocolate ice cream.

The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.

The blonde then orders a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.

The clerk then asks her how she spells van as in vanilla.

She says, V-A-N.

He then asks her how she spells straw as in strawberry.

She says, S-T-R-A-W

He then asks her how she spells fuck as in chocolate.

After a while she says there is no fuck in chocolate.

THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU

[deviantz]

How do you feel about me posting jokes that are not so politically correct?

[bill]

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

[bill]

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

[bill]

How do you feel about me posting jokes that are not so politically correct?

i don't think TheButcher cares one way or the other

some of the jokes i've posted aren't the least bit politically correct

[bill]

(Q) What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

(A) A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

[bill]

(Q) What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

(A) Beat it. We’re closed.

[bill]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

[bill]

(Q) Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

(A) For fingering a minor.

[bill]

(Q) If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

(Z) Friends...